Even at Forty-Four

I realized the other day that, even at 44, I still need my mom...



I had called my mom to catch up, as I usually do. We speak at least once a week. More, if life calls for it. But during this phone call she was really distracted with her own life, and she wasn't really "present" over the course of the phone call. At that moment, too, I really needed her. You know how you can be a grown-up, a mom yourself, independent, but sometimes...just sometimes...you need your mom.  And I wanted her to instinctively know that without me having to tell her. And I wanted her to ask me about how I was feeling.

Only she had no clue.

And then I realized something else too. I am so in tune (I think anyways) to Buddy Roller. I can just look at him and know if something's wrong. I can tell by talking to him if he's sad or something.  Will that change as I get older, and he does too?  I'm sure when I was a little girl, my mom was also in tune with me. But only during this particular phone call, she wasn't.

And it gave me pause.

Maybe she was preoccupied. Perhaps it's because we live in different states, and we don't see each other as regularly as I'd like. She's also getting older. Sometimes I forget that the older I get, the older she gets too. Most of the times when I picture her, I see the mom of my youth...always full of life and energy, going from one thing to the next. She is still a lot like that today, only now she's more forgetful, and she tires easily.

So yeah. Even at 44, I still need you Mom. And I always will.