My mother-in-law (MIL) recently visited us for one week, and while she was here, she asked me a very interesting question...
"I was watching a game show," she said thoughtfully in her raspy voice, "and there was this question about daughters-in-law."
We were spending some girl time together as we do when we visit each other. I was driving, and it was just the two of us.
I wonder where this is going, I thought.
"And do you know that about 96% of daughters-in-law can't wait for their mothers-in-law to leave...just a day after their arrival," she said matter-of-factly.
Ha funny we're discussing this, I thought.
Awkward.
"How do you feel about me being here?" she asked.
Hmmm, I thought. How do I answer this one?
In hindsight, what I should have said was, "Buddy Roller loves having you here. He always looks forward to your visits, you two have a special bond, and you share so many special memories."
Although it is the truth, it sort of deflects the question from me in an artful way, don't you think?
But instead of saying that, what I said was, "I love having you here. We do have a good time, but sometimes you do these things that cause a little conflict."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"They are just little things, trivial things," I answered.
Little things, I thought, that turn into big things.
"Well tell me what they are, so I can stop doing them," she stated firmly with a hint of emotion.
If only it were that simple, I thought. I know from experience that that's not the case. Just like a leopard can't change its spots, my mother-in-law is unlikely to change her ways...this late in the game.
And again, we're talking about little big things, like the fact that she has no boundaries, and she feels she can change the rules we have made and put in place since Buddy Roller was a baby. Case in point. When Roller is eating, she cuts up his food, despite the fact that he's eight, and despite the fact I've asked her not to do that (I'm trying to raise an independent young man who will one day be someone's husband and a father to his own children). Once during brunch, she tried to give Roller coffee. I politely said, "No coffee for him please." At which point she said, "Oh honey puh-lease, one teaspoon of coffee never hurt anyone," as she ignored my request, and then she went on to give it to him anyway. Luckily The Hubs intervened and sternly told her that was not going to happen. Then she apologized profusely. Really? Why did it have to get that far? Why didn't she stop when I politely said no.
See what I mean about boundaries?
I really don't remember her being this overbearing until the last several years. Is it that she's much older, and older folks do whatever they want because they think they can? Is it that we see each other often and live together for short periods of time a couple of times each year? Perhaps I've gotten a little more sensitive since becoming a mother? I'm not sure what the answers are, but I know that issues with MILs are very common, and all my friends go through this. In fact some friends I know, their MIL isn't even allowed to stay at their house! Yes it's like that.
To my MIL's credit, I appreciated the fact that she brought this up. I think her question was sincere, and I think she really wanted to start the dialogue. How much she'll change is yet to be seen.
I will end with this. At the end of the day, my MIL doesn't intentionally set out to cause problems. I do believe this in my heart, and I do need to remember this every time she visits. She really doesn't mean any harm. Every time she visits, she always tries to help around the house, by cooking and folding laundry, even tidying up. I know she has a good heart, and she loves her grandson something fierce! Every day they spend together, they always always end the night by cuddling up and watching an episode, or two, of Tom and Jerry. It's really very sweet to watch them.
A friend of mine and I regularly joke that we'll be just like our MILs when we get older. Our poor daughters-in-law will have hell to pay!
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