When Faced With a Difficult Decision

I was at work, in the middle of teaching, when I got the news...


It was a text from my uncle.

He had called just a minute ago. Then he sent me a text to call him.  Immediately I sensed something was wrong.

I followed up with a text because I was teaching. I'm in the middle of teaching, can I call you back? Is this urgent? I texted.

He responded with these words. Your dad was in a bad accident. He did not survive.

Silence.

Shock.

Disbelief.

I was numb.

I did not know how to process this news.

I knew this day would come.  Just last year, I remember telling The Hubs that if my dad died, it would have to be a convenient time for me to even think about going to his funeral (he lives lived in Jamaica). Like, I would have to be on summer vacation or something like that to even consider going.

I know that sounds harsh, but it's complicated.

The last time I saw my father was five years ago. You can read about our reunion here.  And before that, I didn't see him for 22 years! The last time we spoke on the phone was...maybe two years ago? He called me last year, and I didn't answer the phone or return his call. That. I regret.

It's funny how fast news can travel. Within minutes of my uncle's text, the phone calls and text messages came. Close family and friends were "sorry for my loss."

But was it really a loss? I didn't have a relationship with this man. We hardly spoke. I couldn't and still to this day, I still do not know how to comprehend this "loss."

It seems in life, and even in death, my father was still causing me angst.

The question remained. Would I attend his funeral in Jamaica?

It was a decision that I would agonize over, for weeks.

For more posts about my dad, see this post about his 70th birthday, why he's not on my speed dial, and see this post leading up to our reunion.