During the months before COVID and the world shut down, I was in one of the darkest and loneliest periods of my life...
My husband's health was deteriorating, and I was so stressed out and worried about him. His transplanted kidney was failing, and it was evident to me that he would need to go back on dialysis after 12 years. He, on the other hand, was in denial. He did not want to go down that road again. And understandably so...four hours each day, three days a week, hooked up to a machine. A life-saver but still...
During the months that led up to dialysis, I remember feeling so down. You see, even though it wasn't happening to me, watching someone you care about go through a chronic illness is tough. What bothered me the most is that while we were in the thick of things, people around us...friends, family and coworkers...went about their lives. Nothing changed for them. It was business as usual. But for me, it wasn't, and I think that's the issue with any kind of grief. When you are in IT, the world carries on and you can't help but feel like you are so very alone.
I know the few people around me, who I shared the news with, cared, but still, I felt alone and isolated in my grief. As strange as it sounds, I started feeling less alone when the world started worrying about COVID. I know it may sound strange, but all of a sudden I felt like everyone else was scared, stressed and in a dark place because of the unknown. And because I was already feeling that way about The Hubs' health, I started to feel that I wasn't so alone. Strange, right?
And now that the world is getting back to normal again, and fewer people are wearing masks, I sometimes fear those feelings of stress, anxiety and loneliness will resurface. But you know what? I am reminded, almost daily, that many people are fighting their own battles. It's life. For some it's health. For others it's relationships, divorce, losing a loved one or career struggles. We all go through hardships in one form or another.
Now that I'm on the other "side" of those feelings, I do believe that our struggles are temporary. We will get through them. There will be happier days ahead. It's the cycle of life. And that's how I choose to look at things. That's what gets me through.
As for The Hubs, he's doing pretty well. He's been back on dialysis for a little over two years now. Hard to believe it's been that long already. He never complains, and he really has a great attitude. Even though the clinic takes up a lot of his time, he still manages to run his company and be Buddy Roller's chauffeur to basketball practice and karate. Life never stops because of his health. That's his philosophy. I truly admire his strength. Of course I still worry about him, but if I'm being honest, I worry way less now. I've realized in my late 40's that half the stuff I worry about never happens, so I refuse to go down the rabbit hole with my thoughts when it comes to his health.
To read what I wrote about my marriage vow, on sickness and health, read this post. As for me, I'll just be over here, taking life one day at a time. Hope you are, too!
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