My Worst Fear as a Parent

Buddy Roller and me

My first real "hands-on" experience, with taking care of a baby, was - it seems - a lifetime ago when I was in college. I was in charge of babysitting my godson Brandon, and I remember feeling both excited and horrified...



I was obviously trusted to do the task, and I knew I could do it. But at the same time, I was scared. Would I hold him just right? Would he cry? And if he cried, would I be able to comfort him, and more importantly, make him stop?  When he fell asleep for this nap, I made sure he was lying just right, and he could breathe, and every so often, I would check on him...I would be literally inches from his face...making sure he was breathing.

Over the years, that same excitement and horror would be felt at various times when I babysat for friends, or if I had to drive with children in the back of my car. I am always thinking safety, safety, safety. Parents have entrusted me with their children. I take it seriously. I must take care of them, and return them to their parents in the same way they came to me.

It's no surprise then, that the birth of Buddy Roller would come with new found angst and that feeling of absolute panic and unease over things that I simply cannot control.

Which leads me to this. My worst fear as a parent.

And I've only been thinking of this because as my mother-in-law is here visiting, The Hubs and I have been able to go out here and there on little dates. And it's while we're driving away that the dreadful thought hits me. What if...what would happen to Buddy Roller if something were to ever happen to The Hubs and me?

Just the mere thought of that makes me so uncomfortable and leaves me totally heartbroken. I mean, a ton of emotions comes over me because I know there's no one or nothing that can ever replace the love of a mother.

I'm sure I'm not the first mom to ever have this fear. I suppose it's a normal feeling to have after becoming a mother.  They say that you can instantly fall in love with your child after he or she is born. Most new moms speak of this overwhelming feeling of love that they've only "heard" about but never thought they would experience right away. I can totally attest to that love. That over-protective, go above and beyond, go big or go home, kind of love for my son. Because that's how it is when you love your kid so much and want the best for them.

So there. I've said it. My worst fear as a parent. I'll try not to dwell on this much more because, well, it isn't pleasant. Instead, I'll be soaking up all the precious little moments with this cutie as much as possible!