Advice for My Pre-Married Self

In a recent post on marriage, I gave a rather lame answer on what advice I would give my pre-married self. You can read about it here.

We all know that marriage is a ton of work. No duh! And. After giving it some serious thought, here's what I should have said...





So. Here's the advice I would have given myself over 13 years ago, before I got married. Marriage takes a lot of hard work and dedication. When things are going well, you can be completely blissfully happy. But when they are not, you can be truly miserable. Am I right, or am I right?

First things first. God must be first. If God is first, then you will never question what the priorities are. With God first, two people come together...honoring, loving and respecting each other.  Every day...make sure you pray for each other, and with each other, and read scriptures from the Bible on how God intended marriage to be. This is truly the most important advice.

Two. Have a vision for your marriage and write it down. Discuss your goals for your marriage with your spouse and write it down on paper. Put it in a place where you can see it everyday to make sure you are working towards your goal. You should have a vision for important areas of your life such as the church, marriage, family, children, health, finances, career, giving back, etc. etc.

Three.  Marriage changes after you have kids. You have to work even harder (are you kidding me? No!) to make each other feel valued and appreciated and not second to the children.

Four.  Spend time with each other - away from the kids. Have a date night twice a month or at the very least...once a month to re-connect and talk (without being interrupted every second by your children). Am I right, or am I right?

Five.  Have an outlet. Whether it's working out, hanging out with friends, a hobby...whatever...it's important that you never lose yourself and that you still take time to do the things you enjoy. If you're happy as an individual, you'll be happier as a couple.

Six.  Take a trip, just you and your spouse, once in a while. You really need this time to be with each other with no distractions. You owe it to your marriage to devote this time to each other. You will be happier for it. If a trip is impossible because you don't have adequate childcare for a few days, then consider a day trip.

Seven. Learn your love language and your spouse's. There are five, and it's good to know yours and your spouse's so that you can communicative effectively with each other. In other words, you need to know how to keep your spouse's love tank full and not empty.

Eight. Out-serve each other. If you are both working at making each other happy and keeping that love tank full, life will be happier and more fulfilling. For example, if you wife makes dinner all the time, and she's tired, get take-out one evening to surprise her, and let her know you care. It's like that saying goes...happy wife, happy life.  If your husband has had a really long week, surprise him and plan something special you know he would really appreciate. Just imagine how it would be if both people continually made efforts to make each other happy. Happier world, right?

Nine. Be honest with each other. Every once in a while have the conversation where you honestly and lovingly share what's working and what's not. If you both are honest, and the goal is to make your marriage the best it can be, then that honest talk will lead you both to a happier and more fulfilling marriage because you will both work together on finding solutions that benefit you both.

Ten. Find healthy and happy couples, who share the same values as you do, to spend time with. This does two things. It gives you positive people to spend time with, and it provides a couple who you can be accountable to, and who can, if needed, guide you positively (God's way using scriptures) through challenges you may face. Conversely, you want to stay away from toxic people. Am I right, or am I right?

Eleven.  Your marriage is sacred. That means when you have a conflict, you should talk to each other about it. Don't go telling every Tom, Dick and Harry about your spouse. Especially, don't go complaining to your close family members and best friend about your spouse. Inevitably, you and your spouse will make amends, but your family and friends may not always forget the details you shared with them when you were angry with your spouse thereby holding judgment against your spouse. That would be counterproductive. Leave others out of your marriage.

Twelve.  Find a hobby that you and your spouse enjoy. Even better, if it's a hobby you can both do together after the kids have gone to sleep. This is especially important if it's hard to find a babysitter and go on regular dates.

Thirteen. Be aware of each other's baggage. In a marriage, we all bring the good and bad into our union. That means our bad baggage too...our fears and insecurities. Bring the baggage to light. Talk about it. If both spouses are aware, both should work together removing those fears and insecurities making the relationship that much stronger and that much more indestructible.

Fourteen. Be friends and listen to each other. Hopefully you were friends before you got married, so don't lose sight of what it took to become friends in the first place. Couples need to make time for each other, to listen to each other every day. That means really listening (not pretending), and asking questions and making each other feel important, valued and treasured. Listen to each other.

Fifteen.  Be your spouse's cheerleader every day. Have his or her back, and show it! Be there to encourage, support, and inspire on those days when it's needed. Because there will be days.

Sixteen. Count your blessings. Every night at dinner, as a family, share your highs and lows. It helps you to focus on the good, and what you're grateful for. And you'll find that there is so much more we have to be thankful for...than complain about.

Seventeen. Spend time as a family a lot of the time. A healthy and loving marriage needs to be witnessed by your children. One of the best gifts parents can give their children is to be role models of what a healthy marriage looks like. Kids will grow up feeling loved, safe and secure.  When kids witness their parents being role models in a healthy marriage, they grow up seeking that same positive relationship rather than a dysfunctional one.

Whew! That was a lot. The truth is, I didn't know any of this stuff going into marriage. But 13 years later, I know both The Hubs and I have grown and learned together. I have to say our church has done a lot to teach us how to do married life the right way, and we're grateful for their influence on us.

Marriage is a journey, and it can truly be a beautiful one if both parties work at it. Every day.